I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
