we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
