What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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