She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!