Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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