Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Alive.
So much puke
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
