all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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