There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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