I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
