She's like a pop up book from hell.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
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He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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