I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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