Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
