Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
