I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
