I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
