I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
