my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
