i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
