Got a toothbrush?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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