he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize