I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
