I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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