I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
