did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
