i think i have two assholes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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