tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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