Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
