Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
