Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
