He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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