dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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