I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
