i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
