he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
