there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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