not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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