My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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