We're facebook friends in real life
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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