all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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