Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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