chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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