I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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