When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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