Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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