He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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