Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
