I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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