I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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