Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
