grandma shit on top of the toilet
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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