okay pat passed out under dana's car
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
