Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Welp...herpes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
