i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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