Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
