xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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