I cockslap morals
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
