My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
