I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
