I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
