I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
tell me about the fingering
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
